Resilience Tip - People as Adaptive

RESILIENCE TIP
 
Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks.
While some people are  naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.
 
People as Adaptive
 
Often people will tell me about their "sickness", or "problem", or "scratch" (שריטה). How we approach things is profoundly affected by the language we use. Language ascribes meaning. When we use words like sickness, problem, or scratch; it implies something wrong with us, a blemish. Consider a different languaging which comes from a view (ascribed to by me!) that people are actually, essentially, adaptive. From this adaptive approach, one could use the following language: people have patterns of thinking or acting that are not currently bringing them the desired results. These patterns are not inherently sick, wrong, or negative. In fact, according to this adaptive approach, the patterns were at some point - adaptive. The issue now is in what ways these patterns continue to be helpful, and in what ways they now hinder.
 
Here's an example. Consider someone raised or having spent considerable time in an environment where the person in charge was very dominating, where there was only one right way, and where attempts to be creative or proactive were discouraged or even "punished" (led to a negative result). Assuming a person had to, or chose to, stay in this environment, there is a good chance such a person would adapt by becoming passive (doing as directed, only). Such a person is likely to continue to be passive in a new environment. At that point the person can consider themselves as "problematically" passive, or having a passivity malady. Or, the person can recognize their strength in adapting to a previous environment, and now look how this pattern is currently helping and how it is currently hindering.
 
Or, consider someone who was raised or spent considerable time in an environment where the one who would normally be in charge was incapacitated or passive, for example, a chronically ill parent. Such a person might become hyper-responsible, to the point of not seeking or accepting help from others. Again, this pattern was likely adaptive at one point, leraning to handle everything on one's own is an adaptive way of managing a situation where usual help is not forthcoming. And, the continued pattern may no longer be bringing that person the results they currently desire.
 
Why is all this important? A characteristic of high level resilience is having a problem-solving orientation. Examining how previously adaptive patterns of thinking and behavior are currently helpful and unhelpful is more naturally aligned with problem solving. Considering oneself as sick, blemished, wrong, or problematic is less amenable to problem solving (and frequently depressing). This is not to suggest that patterns are easy to change. Occasionally increased awareness of a pattern and its effects is enough to lead to a shift in the thinking or behavior. More often, changing the pattern requires concerted effort and sometimes professional assistance. And, shifting one's approach and language is an important first step.
 
 
Carolyn S. Tal, PhD
Psychologist and Consultant
Working with individuals and partners in
   developing resilience and related issues
052-825-8585
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Resilience Tip - Conflict Management and Reflecting Back

RESILIENCE TIP
 
Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks.
While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.
 
Conflict Management - Reflecting Back
You may be familiar with an exercise used in teaching "active listening" - the listener reflects back what the speaker has said. Some people doing this exercise (particularly some sabras!) feel silly, as if they are merely parroting another's words. While I do not recommend this exercise to be the norm of everyday language, this form of interaction is particulary helpful in the midst of an undesired conflict.
 
Reflecting back is not a memory test to see if you were paying attention. It is a check on whether or not the intended communication was successfully recieved; not necessarily that the communication was agreed with, but that the listener got the message the speaker intended to transmit. This is not as simple as it seems. Our communications are not straight lines from speaker to receiver. Our communications are surrounded by interpretation. Each time a person receives a transmitted group of words, that person attempts to create meaning out of the transmission received, and these attempts to create meaning are colored by our experiences, beliefs, preferences, etc. For example: "Don't stop" could mean both do not stop whatever it is that you are doing, or stop whatever it is that you are doing; the punctuation is extremely important ("Don't, stop." vs. "Don't stop.") and punctuation is not always heard well. And, the listener often attempts to create meaning, to understand the communication, on their own.
 
Why is this particulary important in conflict management? Conflicts are often due to misunderstandings and misperceptions. Suppose you are sitting with a colleague or family member. There is music in the background, and the other person begins to tap to the music. You say: "Don't, stop." because you are trying to concentrate and the tapping is distracting. And yet the other person continues to tap. Your thoughts start to race: " What's wrong with him, just ignoring what I am saying, he seems to think I don't even count!" or "What a self-centered person, only caring about what is right for her." Soon the other person asks you to pass the pen lying next to you, you blurt out something like "Get it yourself!" And they wonder what in the world happened because they heard you say "Don't stop."
 
This is a simple example, the basics of which are the same in much larger conflicts with wide-ranging and significant repurcussions. Refelcting back can be extremely helpful in both simple and larger conflicts. It does not matter at one point you catch the potential misperception and intervene, it only matters that you catch it and intervene. Reflect back what you think you heard the other person communicate. "What I understood you to say is that the deal will not happen unless the European branch has their input." The other person may respond, "Yes, that is what I meant." Or they may say, "Not exactly, the contract cannont be signed until the European branch has their input, and the input is really just a formality." Or, an example of a non-professional situation: "I'm not going to your parents for the holiday this year, you all just ignore me." A typical response might be: "We do not ignore you." Try instead: "You're saying that we all ignore you when you come to my parents? What do you mean by that?"
 
Reflecting back clarifies the communication to ensure that the receiver of the communication got the intended message of the speaker. This allows us to more effectively address the communication, particularly potentially conflictual communications, and so be able to problem-solve more effectively and respond more resiliently.
 
 
Carolyn S. Tal, PhD
Psychologist and Consultant
Working with individuals and partners in
  developing resilience and related issues.
052-825-8585
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Resilience Tip - When Knowledge Can Hurt

RESILIENCE TIP

Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks. While some people are naturally more resilient than others,resiliency can also be intentionally developed.

When Knowledge Can Hurt

"It is what we think we know already that often prevents us from learning." (Claude Bernard) Curiosity is one of the characteristics of highly resilient people. Sometimes it is relatively easy to be curious. And sometimes we shut down our curiosity without realizing it. Why shut down as opposed to open up? Children are innately curious about their world, forever exploring, forever asking questions. Sometimes curiosity has been shut down through teachings such as "curiosity killed the cat". (I wonder, how many cats were actually killed by curiosity compared to how many cats thrived better than their peers due to their curiosity?! Perhaps it is not a question of being curious or not, rather taking that moment to evaluate value and risks involved in acting upon this curiosity.) As Claude Bernard suggests, one of the things that can kill curiosity is knowledge.

Knowledge is a wonderful thing. Knowledge keeps us from having to continuously reinvent the wheel. Accumulated knowledge can help us tackle problems from a wider and deeper perspective. However, being too confident in our knowledge can stifle our curiosity.

You  may have heard statements such as these: "I know I have a problem with anger, that's why I keep getting into trouble with my friends." or "I'm just no good at public speaking, so I won't get that position I want." I would not say that either of these statements are necessarily false. Perhaps they are even true, but they are insufficient because the person speaking them is still wanting to change or advance something in their life. And, "knowing" this has not moved them forward. Additionally, too often the person has stopped being truly curious about the whole situation because they already "know" that they have a problem with anger, or they already "know" they cannot speak publicly. Instead, "If you know you have a problem with anger that is causing troubles in your friendships, how might you handle your anger so it interferes less with your friendships?" "While you may have had difficulties with public speaking until now, what might you do today to improve in this area?" In other words, why shut down your curiosity just because you have hit upon a certain amount of data. If the problem is continuing, continue to look for more data.

Similary, in trying to solve a technical problem, what technical "knowledge" may be preventing you from continuing to be curious, from thinking out of the box. This is when people new to a field can be extremely helpful by asking the "stupid" question that breaks deadlocked thinking, "stupid" as in lacking knowledge that may keep others within a confined way of viewing the issue. Also interpersonally, "She's always late, that's just her, there's nothing that can be done about it." Even if the knowledge "she's always late" is true, might this knowledge be preventing curiosity and learning that could ease the situation? Might there be ways of communicating to the person, or of relating to her lateness, that would make the situation easier?

Knowledge is wonderful, and, check to see where your knowledge may be interfering with your curiosity. Particularly when a difficulty or challenge continues, it is likely time to look beyond what we "know", in order to stay curious and flexible for resilient responses that will move us closer to where we want to be.

052-825-8585

carolyn@talconsulting.com

Resilience Tip - Self-Efficacy

RESILIENCE TIP

Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks.

While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.

Velcro-Teflon effect

Ever wonder how two people can look at the exact same thing and yet "see" it so differently? We are exposed to so much information that we have devised shortcuts (usually unconsciously) that help us selectively attend to all this information. Ideally we would attend to what is "important to us" and let pass what is” unimportant". Ideally we would be logical and unbiased in selecting what is important and unimportant. And, the ideal is not always reality.

In reality we humans often see our world according to a "confirmation bias". We tend to be good at noticing and remembering things that confirm our beliefs, and less good at noticing and remembering things that prove our beliefs wrong.

Suppose that you are very confident in your ability to present to an audience. You are likely to notice the members of the audience who are maintaining eye contact with you, who are asking questions relevant to your presentation. You are less likely to notice members of the audience who are looking glassy-eyed or drowsy, or whispering to others. Suppose you are very certain that you are not good at presenting to an audience. You are likely to notice the glassy eyes and drowsiness, and the whispering; and may not even notice audience members maintaining eye contact, or reflecting their attention through their questions. Someone yawning in the first row is likely to be "seen" as an indication of boredom by the person who believes they are not good at presenting, while the person confident of their ability to present is more likely to remember that the person yawning literally came in on the red-eye flight that same morning.

Or suppose you believe that people are basically trustworthy. You are likely to pay particular notice to people keeping their commitments to you, open communication, and stories of people returning wallets found on the street. You are likely not to notice or explain away when someone is consistently late, omits important facts, or engages in petty theft. The person who believes that people are basically not trustworthy is more likely to notice the lateness, omissions, and petty theft, and not notice or explain away the keeping of commitments, open communication, and altruistic behavior.

Evidence that supports our beliefs can stick to us like Velcro, and evidence that contradicts our beliefs can slide right off like Teflon. Increasing our resilience rests on seeing an increasingly accurate picture of our world. There are two crucial steps in overpowering our confirmation bias to perceive more accurately. First, work on noticing your automatic tendency toward this bias. Second, ask yourself questions to intentionally expand your perception and so expand the accuracy of your perception. Ask: What else might I not be seeing? Ask yourself detective-like questions such as "what evidence is there for what I believe to be true" and "what evidence is there against what I believe to be true"? Take extra time to review the data available.

The Velcro-Teflon effect is a natural automatic human reaction in processing the large amounts of information in our world. We can affect this reaction, and increase our resilience, by consciously and intentionally expanding our processing.

Carolyn Tal, PhD;  Psychologist and Consultant

Working with individuals and partners in developing resilience and related issues.

carolyn@talconsulting.com    052-825-8585

Resilience Tip - Relationships, Dealing with Conflict

RESILIENCE TIP  

Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks. While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.

Resilience in Relationships - Dealing with Conflict  

Conflict in relationships is inevitable, normal. Humans are bound to disagree on some things throughout their lives (or a lot of things!). The way we respond to these conflicts can be in a high resilient or low resilient way.  

An important factor here is whether we focus on the particular situation or issue, or whether we focus on the character of the other person. There are several advantages to focusing on the particular situation or issue. First, the communication regarding the disagreement is much clearer. For example: "It bothered me that you arrived late for our meeting, for me it was a sign of disrespect." This lets the other person know what upset you and why. If the focus had been on the character, for example: "You are so disrespectful!", the other person does not really know what created the disagreement nor do they know what behavior is desired instead. Secondly, focusing on a person's character is felt as an attack, and when we feel attacked we defend ourselves. A likely response to "You are so disrespectful"" is something like: "Well, you're not so perfect yourself!" Both people are now on the defensive, the actual source of the disagreement is unlikely to be addressed, and both people are likely to feel unhappy with the relationship and not necessarily understand why they are feeling bad.  

To increase your resilience in dealing with conflicts in relationships, work on staying focused on the particular situation or issue, and work on communicating your disagreement and desires as clearly as possible.    

Carolyn Tal, PhD

Psychologist and Consultant

Working with individuals and partners in developing resilience and related issues.

carolyn@talconsulting.com , 052-825-8585  

Resilience Tip - Accurate vs. Positive Thinking

Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks. While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.

Accurate vs. Positive Thinking  

You have probably heard claims regarding benefits of positive thinking. Consider distinguishing between positive thinking and optimism. Optimism is the belief that good things will happen. Positive thinking is too often the practice of robotic repetition of positive sayings, which may or may not lead to real change. Robotic thinking is not known to contribute to resilience.

Resilience requires that we are aware of positive opportunities so that we can take advantage of these opportunities. Resilience also requires that we are aware of potential threats and dangers so we that we can prevent these situations or adequately prepare for managing them. Accurate thinking is the ability to realistically assess our internal strengths and weaknesses, and to realistically assess external opportunities and threats. Accurate thinking is known to contribute to resilience.  

How can we increase our accurate thinking? We humans tend not to be such objective observers. We tend to collect data that will support the things we already believe. (You have likely noticed this in other people, check to see if just sometimes it may also be true for yourself!) To increase your accurate thinking and resilience, practice being a more objective observer. When faced with a tough situation, ask yourself: What are the facts of the situation (a neutral observation)? Ask in a separate question: What are my beliefs regarding this situation? And then ask: How did the facts and my beliefs about the situation make me feel and act? Begin to separate facts from beliefs from reactions.   Rather than positive thinking, strive for realistic optimism. Increase your realistic optimism and your resilience through accurate thinking - keeping a positive outlook without denying reality. Increase your accurate thinking by becoming a more objective observer, by separating facts from beliefs from reactions.    

Carolyn Tal, PhD                                                                                                Psychologist and Consultant                                                                                                Working with individuals and partners in developing resilience and related issues. ]]

Resilience Tip #1 -Care for your Physical Health

Resilience is the ability to cope well with difficulties and to bounce back from setbacks.While some people are naturally more resilient than others, resiliency can also be intentionally developed.How to start?

One of the first steps is to ensure you take care of your physical health. When we are stressed, distracted, and concerned, it can be easy to ignore this critical step.

Regular exercise is known to increase natural endorphins, or mood enhancers. Research also suggests that exercise improves memory and improves our ability to learn. An exercise routine is something you can control, when other things may be feeling out of control. Are you taking the time for regular aerobic exercise, even walking for 30 minutes 3 times a week?

A healthy diet gives you energy and provides your brain with essential nutrients for optimal functioning. Eat a variety of foods according to known food charts in order to get the variety of nutrients your body needs. Reduce rather than eliminate some of the fun foods, for eating provides us with more than nutrients. If you are less active than usual (even with your regular exercise!), reduce portions while continuing to eat regular meals in order to maintain a stable energy level as well as order in your day, while maintaining a healthy weight.

Finally, Breathe. Taking a few long, slow, deep breaths is an excellent way to reduce momentary stress and maintain long-term health. Most of us, too often, take very shallow breaths. This decreases the oxygen we take in and decreases the carbon dioxide we breathe out. This can increase fatigue and "mental fog".

These few tips will help you maintain your physical health during stressful times, and any time, and are a first step toward developing your resilience.

Carolyn Tal, PhD

Psychologist and Consultant

Working with individuals and partners in developing resilience and related issues.

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